Let's rock...and roll

In an effort to not seem completely morose I think I should mention some of the highlights with Marley since her our horrible experience with her cardiac cath.

1. Marley is rolling. She's a rolling fool. When she first learned, it seemed like it was the only thing she wanted to do. Now that she has accomplished rolling we can move on to her next gross motor skill- moving from a lying to a sitting position.

2. Marley is growing! In the last 4 months she has grown 2 inches and her head circumference has grown too. She is still holding steady at 17 lbs but that's okay. I almost feel like her body is slowly turning into that of a toddler's. She's leaner, longer- all that rolling and twisting is given my chunky, little baby some sweet abs.

3. Marley now has 4 teeth. Sharp, little, gorgeous teeth. She loves to grind them together and flash them when she makes her happy grins- and she makes lots of them!

4. Marley is giggling a lot- and at totally random times. A year ago as we were emerging from 4 months of hellish colic I could never have imagined I would one day have a giggly baby. She has the sweetest chuckle I have ever heard.

So all in all, doing pretty well. We've also had to deal with impetigo, pink eye, constipation, allergies and some unknown skin rash- but things all easy to deal with in comparison to her cardiac issues and seizure disorder. In August, Marley will need a sedated hearing test and MRI and I've promised myself it WILL be the last anesthesia for a long time. We also have a cardio follow up, neuro follow up, nutrition follow up, new neuro consult and ENT consult. 

My little unicorn

Marley's cardiac cath was on Friday.

We checked in at 7:15 am and surgery began at 8:30. It was tough to let her go but I felt confident that she was in safe hands. Surgery was over and she was transferred to the PACU by 11am. The cardiac surgeon came out and let us know that the cath went well, that he was able to clearly identify the stenosis in her pulmonary arteries and the coarctation in her aorta. He ballooned the areas, but being so flexible, they resumed to their original state. While he couldn't "fix" her that day he did tell us that she will probably just need another cath when she's a few years older to place stents to keep her arteries and aorta open.

Not exactly what we wanted but at least she was okay and we found out the problem is fixable- just not for another few years.

We went up to her hospital room to await her arrival. 2 hours passed before she was wheeled into the room. The nurses explained that she had a small blood clot develop in her right leg where the cath was placed. It seemed to have resolved on it's own but the cardiologists would be up momentarily to talk to us about it. Okay...

A couple of surgical residents arrived and took a look at Marley's leg. It was definitely mottled, dusky and cooler than her other leg. The doctors tried to find the pulse in her foot (pedal pulse) but couldn't locate it. I admit, it's a pretty tough endeavor what with Marley being a little chubster, but they weren't having any luck.

They discussed with me starting Heparin, a blood thinner to help resolve whatever clot might possibly be there. I concurred. I did until I found out that they had to draw her blood every 3-4 hours to check her coagulation levels so that they could titrate the Heparin dose to a therapeutic level.

Blood draws every 3-4 hours!!! Have I mentioned before how difficult a stick Marley is? Squeezing water out of a cactus with my bare hands would be an easier feat! I suggested starting another IV. As hard as that would be, I wanted to save her the torture of multiple needle pokes.

Well easier said then done. One of their most experienced IV nurses poked her 2 times. No dice. Then a phlebotomist did 2 heel sticks followed by a finger stick. He got enough blood but it clotted by the time it was brought to the lab. In between the screams and tears (mine and Marley's) a doctor would come by trying to find the pulse in her foot.

I was fed up. REALLY FED UP! I just couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to just pick her up, pull out her existing IV, and take my baby home. The nurses rationalized with me and Jason threw in his two cents which I think calmed me down. I asked the doctors what would happen if we just couldn't get blood out of Marley. Their response? If it takes 27 pokes, we will get blood.

Gee, what a great plan!

I agreed to one final attempt. This time I was promised that Cindy, an IV nurse with hundreds of years of IV experience would attempt the impossible. I bargained for some type of pain medication to help lessen Marley's pain, and the doctors agreed to give her Morphine. It may not completely take away the pain, but it would mellow her out a bit so that perhaps she would scream.

When Cindy arrived I quickly left the room to take a walk. I felt guilty for leaving my baby but I just couldn't see her go through another painful stick. When I returned the IV was in her head (yikes!) but she wasn't crying and I felt so relieved. That was until Cindy told me that she had to shave a small potion of Marley's hair to insert the IV. She had wrapped up the hair in a bandaid and ceremoniously handed it to me exclaiming, "her first haircut!" Yup, that was it. I lost it. I started bawling uncontrollably. I couldn't believe my baby's first haircut was in the hospital. 

But the IV was in and the blood was drawn. The IV actually worked pretty well for at least 2 blood draws until the vein collapsed. And the Heparin worked quickly. Within just a few hours her leg's appearance resumed back to normal and things were starting to look up. And gosh did she look so cute with this funky IV tubing sticking out of her head. She became my "little unicorn" and was nicknamed appropriately.

The next morning I left to go home and shower and when I returned Jason did not have very good news for me. The doctors STILL couldn't locate her pedal pulse and were now threatening to keep Marley for another night if her pulse could not be found. Oh, that was the last straw for me. I had the current cardiologist paged to our room immediately. 2 young doctors arrived. They explained the situation while I tried as best as I could not to bitch-slap them. Fortunately one of them was finally able to find her pulse, of course in a spot on her foot that they had not evaluated earlier. She suggested that they mark the spot to which I responded very sarcastically, "wow, that is the smartest decision you guys have made since we got here!" Not surprisingly, I did get a dirty look.

The mark was made, the heparin was discontinued and we eventually were discharged home with a prescription for baby aspirin that Marley needs to take every day for the next month. But I didn't care. We were home and consequently, I had the best mother's day ever.

But I feel really let down by the doctors at Seattle Children's Hospital that I entrusted my baby with. Why didn't they mark where her pulses were before the surgery? Why didn't they start another IV in the PACU when she was still asleep when they discovered the clot? Why did it have to take so long to get the Heparin started? I'll probably not have any of my questions answered. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore. But I can't shake the anger and frustration I have towards the people that were suppose to be the experts.

And poor Marley. She was such a trooper through all of this. It tore my heart out every time she got poked. I don't know who was in more pain, her or me. 

Since we got home she's been more emotional. She's very happy but it's hard to put her down for naps and bedtime. She has become more clingy, more needy and I can't help worrying that she was scarred by the events at the hospital. It just doesn't ever get easier.

A step forward?

I really can't tell where I'm at.

We met with the neurologist who recommended (though Marley's EEG was normal and she hasn't had a seizure in over a month) that she start on the anti-seizure medication, Keppra (or the generic which is too hard to spell).

I can't say I was surprised and if I was looking for a doctor's appointment where there seemed to be a solution to a situation, this was the one. His rationale was that most likely she will have another seizure in her lifetime- be it febrile or complex, so why not try to nip it in the bud before it becomes the big, ugly monster that a seizure disorder can quickly turn into? Sadly, I had to agree. In my heart I know she will have another seizure. It's only a matter of time. And I can't wait on edge for the next one to hit at anytime. It's like living on the San Andreas fault in a  flimsy little glass shack. I'm insane if I didn't think the "big one" will hit in my lifetime.

Unfortunately, the Keppra is no guarantee that the seizures won't happen. Isn't that completely fucked up? Fortunately, Keppra has few side effects- mostly sleepiness. 

So after much hemming and hawing we started giving it to her a week ago. Instructions were to start at 80 mg daily for 1 week then increase to 80 mg twice a day. I haven't mustered up the courage to move to twice a day. Not that she's having any side effects- hell, I can't really tell. She sure isn't any sleepier but she does seem more agitated, which could just be normal teething behavior. It's constant teething around here nowadays.

I just didn't want to go there. I just didn't want to admit that my baby has to be on medications. I use to say to myself when Marley was an infant, "with everything she has, at least she doesn't have seizures or is on any medications". Strike that. I feel so defeated, like what do I have to look forward to? We're still diagnosis-less, we still don't know what the future holds for her or us. There are no answers, no direction, the road is empty, wide open and there are no signs directing me as to which way to go.

So for those who see me on a daily basis, or maybe weekly or hardly at all- when you ask me how I am or how Marley is, I apologize for my vague answer. Honestly, I'm just okay and so is Marley. I wish I could be more cheerful, more hopeful but I just don't feel that way. So please don't be put off but my meek smile; I really do appreciate the gesture.

Seizures just suck

I wish I had good news to update you with.

So Marley had a febrile seizure the day that she got her Hep A, Varicella and MMR vaccinations. I was so unprepared. One moment she was acting totally normal then she screamed and seized for about 45 seconds. After a visit to the ER and a night in the hospital, we came home...all very exhausted.

Nine days later, after she went to bed I heard her wake up, moaning. She eventually fell back asleep and when I went to check on her I noticed that she was very stiff and barely breathing. I picked her up and she was very lethargic- rather postictal like she had just had a seizure. As I held her and we rocked, the right side of her body seized up. She was crying and her head turned to the right while her eyes deviated towards the right too. She was breathing but completely unresponsive. Once again we went to the ER and she continued to seize for the next 2 hours. She eventually fell asleep, and when she woke up a half hour later she was back to her usual goofy self. A CT scan was performed and came back normal. We were discharged with rectal valium but no anti-seizure medications. The reason being is that kids are not prescribed anti-seizure meds until they have had at least 2 real seizures.

So we went home and waited...on the edge of our seats. Marley slept with us for at least a week before I felt comfortable enough to let her sleep in her own crib. Since that horrible night I check on her constantly. I haven't had more than 3-4 hours of straight sleep since. I am exhausted.

Marley had an EEG on Monday that was normal. Great, right? Well a normal EEG doesn't mean she won't have anymore seizures. I know in my heart she will have another; its just a matter of time. I teeter between complete paranoia and total despair. I try not to think about it too much because the fear is overwhelming. I can't prevent it, I can't know when it will happen...I just know it will.

We meet with a neurologist next week. I have so many questions. I don't even know where to start.

New news

There is so much to catch you all up on!

So I know I mentioned our visit with the biochemical geneticist, Dr. Merritt last month to get a "fresh" look at Marley's syndrome because maybe, just maybe she might not have DOOR. Well...the repeat urine analysis was NEGATIVE for any metabolites. Which may mean she doesn't have DOOR and even better it may mean that she doesn't have a metabolic syndrome. Dr. Merritt thinks that the elevated metabolites present when she was a newborn were due to having an immature liver. Of course, there are cases of DOOR where there aren't increased metabolites but those are even more rare and in those cases there isn't neurological involvement (ie developmental delays) which Marley does have.

A syndrome that Dr. Merritt is looking into is CHARGE syndrome. She has some of the common characteristics of CHARGE (coloboma, heart defects, developmental delays and hearing impairment) but she also has characteristics that aren't typical of CHARGE such as the tethered spinal cord and her disfigured fingers and toes. CHARGE affects 1 out of every 8,000-10,000 births and there are many websites and foundations for children affected by the syndrome. There are genetic tests to confirm the diagnosis but they are only effective in 2/3 of suspected cases.

Of course I poured over these websites. My first impression was that Marley didn't fit the look that seems consistent of kids with CHARGE. I can't really describe it and I sure don't want to offend anyone...check it out for yourself and tell me what you think. And the other thing is that kids with CHARGE don't seem to have disfigured fingers and toes and to me- Marley's funky digits seem like a major characteristic of whatever syndrome she has. You know?

So today we met with orthopedic genetics. An orthopedist and a geneticist that specializes in orthopedics. Marley had a ton of x rays and I think we all got more than enough radiation exposure to last us at least a few more years. The x rays just confirmed that she is missing bones in her fingers and her feet are definitely funky. It also revealed that her left hip is dysplastic which means that it is poorly formed. Her left femur (thigh bone) is also slightly shorter than her right femur. Her orthopedist said the abnormality shouldn't affect her ability to walk but that if it doesn't resolve by the time she's 4 years old, she may need surgery on her hip socket to create a deeper groove. He is also referring us to a hand surgeon to evaluate her hand deformities.

Anyone seeing a pattern here? Coloboma in her left eye, moderate hearing loss in her left ear, short left pinkie, shallow left hip, short left femur, missing toe of the left foot. Oh, and here's something weird- when I got pregnant with Marley I ovulated from my left ovary that month and my placenta was on my left side. Hmmmm...anyone want to take a stab at that one?

Anyway, we're not any closer to knowing what Marley does have but I'd be happy enough to know that she doesn't have a metabolic syndrome. I'll wait for that confirmation by Dr. Merritt. Next up is meeting with a neurologist and endocrinologist next month, then her cardiac cath and MRI. We're also going to meet with a neurodevelopmental doctor that specializes in caring for kids with special needs.

More later!

Not again!

Marley had another febrile seizure. Fuck.

Yesterday I took her to her 12 month check up. After her vaccinations I asked the medical assistant to check her temperature. I had noticed that she was feeling kind of warm but my thermometers all showed the her temp was normal. The medical assistant reported that her temperature was between 99 and 100 degrees.

We went home and I gave her some Motrin. I had already given her Tylenol before we left for the doctor's. The rest of the day we spent playing, napping and eating- her regular activities. She was playful but irritable at times, which I attributed to the shots. Her hands and feet were also slightly purple but I thought it was because she was slightly cold.

After her last nap at 3 pm she woke up, I gave her more Tylenol and tried to feed her a bottle. She played with it, obviously not interested. I sat her up and she let out a high-pitched scream. She stiffened up and started shaking. I held her close to my chest and called 911. I looked over at her and she was turning blue. After a few seconds she began to breathe but she was completely white and lethargic.

The paramedics arrived and escorted me over to Seattle Children's Hospital. Her temperature when we arrived was 102. She was poked and prodded and while stable (though tired) the doctors recommended that she spend the night for observation. She had a few episodes of cyanosis around her lips though her O2 sats remained stable.

Our pediatrician, Dr. McPhillips came to see us in the morning. Her conclusions about the cause of the seizure was that the vaccinations on top of her low grade fever precipitated the event. Marley's poor little body couldn't handle the huge immunological response and just, well, went haywire. 

We came home this afternoon and Marley is doing well. Besides a mild case of diarrhea caused by the IV antibiotics she received, she is back to her playful, feisty self.

I have a feeling this is not the last febrile seizure that Marley will have. Febrile seizures are common in children up to 6 years of age. So we have 5 more years of wringing our hands and pulling out our hair with worry every time she has a cold or slight fever- which with babies is like, ALL THE TIME.

Blah. It just sucks. It just REALLY sucks. Poor Marley. She's just an innocent baby. What did she do to deserve all this?

Happy Birthday Marley!

Our little girl is 1 years old today!

I spent a lot of time today reflecting on the anniversary of her birth. I admit that I don't have many fond memories of that day. While labor and birthing were relatively easy, once she came out, the reality of the situation was pushed into my face. I am ashamed to admit that her birth brought a lot of sadness, months of grief and anger, and to this day I still struggle with my loss of a "perfect baby".

But Marley is here and she has made me a much stronger person than I ever imagined. I truly am the strongest person I know. Hands down. And I am so proud of all that Marley has accomplished in this year- she is absolutely nothing like that screaming newborn that tested my patience and sanity. I mean, she still tests my patience; you have to be patient when you have a child that is developmentally delayed. But I really look forward to seeing all that she can and will learn in this coming year.

Saturday is her birthday party. Marley will have cake for the first time, and I will pour myself a very stiff drink and raise that glass to celebrate with my friends all that is Marley.